Florida Man

Florida Man is the anthropomorphic personification of Florida’s collective Floridaness. Over the years he has amassed a huge assortment of feats, adventures, felonies and horrible, horrible injuries. This respect thread will be an attempt to chronicle the most notable of those.

Durability

• Too fat to be contained by the American prison system. (source)
• Cannot be arrested due to size, resists by sitting on the ground. (source)
• Enjoys the sensation of being tased while nude. (source)
• Advanced age does not deter him from swimming across a lake. (source)
• Survives a plane crash. (source)
• Survives a meteorite strike to the head. (source)
• Survives being bitten by a shark, a rattlesnake, and struck by lightning. (source)
• Brags about his muscles by calling 911 and hitting on the dispatcher. (source)

Strength

• Carries a 375 lb black bear to shore. (source)
• Easily catches an 805 lb mako shark. (source)
• Takes on a 765 lb gator and wins. (source)

Hand-to-Hand

• Fends off a vicious sword-wielding bandit, saving a woman’s life. (source)
• Knows every Florida-based martial art.

Weaponry

• Wins a gunfight using a shovel. (source)
• Master of improvised weaponry, subdues attacker while naked. (source)
• Uses pizza as extremely improvised weapon in assault. (source)
• Master of medieval warfare, chases man with a flail. (source)
• Overprepared for a kids’ water fight, leading to shooting. (source)
• Very overprepared, found with coffin full of strange weapons. (source)

Theft

• Steals $4000 worth of barbecue. (source)
• Steals $85,000 in shredded cheese. (source)
• Loves Starburst, involved in 3-gunmen theft of candy. (source)
• Steals bus as a child, possibly framed by John Constantine. (source)

Animals

• Master trapper, catches four alligators at a school. (source)
• Not immune to the allure of a dolphin, has sexual encounter. (source)
• Helps a famous Florida pig. (source)
• Likes snakes too much, hospitalized after trying to kiss cottonmouth. (source)

Vehicles

• Acts as a hero in a local incident. (source)
• Can drive boats. (source)
• Escaped North Korea in a MIG-15 fighter jet. (source)
• Spreads the good word via vehicle. (source)
• May be the world’s best pilot/artist, draws penis with flight path. (source)

Sexual

• Knows what ladies like, exposes himself accordingly. (source)
• Cannot be stopped from masturbating, even during a fire. (source)
• Tries to have sex with a beer can, ends up in hospital. (source)
• Has too many encounters with humans, animals, plants, and inanimate objects to list.

Miscellaneous

• Knows his rights. (source)
• Brought religion to the machines, wants to convert AI to Christianity. (source)
• Cares about the youth, dances in patrol car. (source)
• Successful dual man of the church and sex dungeon owner. (source)
• Wakes up speaking fluent Swedish with no memory of past. (source)
• Sues to keep Kanye West out of Florida from prison. (source)
• Worthy of the power of Thor. (source)
• Seems to have some form of immortality, dying almost weekly in hilarious accidents only to return quickly.